Fall Apart
by Jacinda
Summary: He thought that they were friends despite the mistakes they made. He just never thought she would just disappear. NS. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is set somewhere after Grave Danger (after what I would imagine as Nick going home to Dallas with his family for a few weeks to recooperate). It's going to be NS, but give me time to get there. This is going to be another of my really angsty stories (sorry, I guess you write what you can relate to).

I'm having a really hard time ending No Arguments. I'm going to try to finish it up within the next few weeks. -Jac

* * *

She was the last person I ever thought would call me at 3 in the morning begging for a ride home, or to _somewhere where I can forget about this damn job_, as she so eloquently put it. She's sitting on a barstool drinking something that I'm sure could act as a Molotov cocktail if lit on fire. She's swaying uncomfortably. She knows what she's doing is wrong, but I guess this has been one of those 'fuck the consequences' nights.

"I'm not drunk. I just didn't know who to call. Greg's still at work. Grissom doesn't want me to step foot in the lab. Warrick is busy with Melanie . . . Margaret . . . Maya . . . or whatever her name is. Catherine, well, she would revel in the fact that I feel miserable," Sara said as I sat next to her.

"Where's your SUV?" I asked as Sara slid the beer she ordered me on over.

"In the shop. Brake lines were cut last night," Sara replied as if it were an everyday occurrence.

"What's going on?" I asked. I knew better than to pussyfoot around what she might be thinking. Unless asked directly, Sara Sidle would never give up information.

"Remember Brenda Collins?" Sara asked.

"The blonde . . . that little girl," I said. It would be hard to ever forget the blonde, china doll that wouldn't let go of Sara. Sara wouldn't let go of her either.

"I got a letter from her two weeks ago. She blames me for all how miserable her life is. In fact, Brenda wants me dead. She's been in fourteen foster homes in the last five years," Sara said. I could immediately see the tears beginning to well in her eyes.

"I wouldn't take it personally. That girl didn't have a chance. Her family was so far gone before the murders that you could have never undone all that damage," I replied.

"I should have taken her home with me. I should have never let go of her hand when that woman from child services came for her," Sara replied as she lowered her head.

"You don't think it's Brenda that cut your break lines, do you?" I asked.

"I think there are a million people out there that somehow hate me for ruining their life. Maybe they have formed a union or something," Sara replied sarcastically.

"Does Grissom know?" I asked.

"He knows. He knows because I hit his SUV because my brakes . . .," Sara trailed off.

"Were cut," I finished for her, "I'm sure he's pleased with you."

"I don't think he really notices. If he does, Grissom isn't one to show it," Sara replied, "Can we go somewhere else before I talk myself into getting so wasted that I forget my own name?"

"Where do you want to go?" I asked as Sara put some cash down on the bar.

"As far away from here as possible. I don't know. I just need to clear my head," Sara said as she followed me to my SUV.

That's when everything began to fall apart.


	2. Chapter 2

I wasn't drunk, but I woke up with a terrible pounding in my head. Everything that happened last night was a blur in my head. It seemed surreal, but real enough to make me sick to my stomach.

"_Why doesn't he at least respect me? He could occasionally look me in the eyes and say that I do a good job . . . that I am making a fucking difference in this messed up world," Sara ranted as we watched a documentary on the civil war. _

_I drove her back to my place. I couldn't think of where else I could take her. At least, I could control the environment that she was in. It was wishful thinking to even imagine that I could prevent her breakdown from happening, but I could at least make it a private breakdown._

"_Sar, he respects you," I replied even though I wasn't even certain of my answer._

"_When I showed him the letter, he said that I should expect this. That's all he could say to me after he all but forced me to make myself vulnerable to him," Sara said._

"_What?"_

"_After I was suspended, he showed up at my apartment. He wanted me to talk to him. Grissom let me tell him things that I haven't shared with anyone else. He told me that I could always come to him. I did, but he doesn't know how to handle it," Sara replied. She needed to turn her head to keep me from seeing just how hurt she was._

"_It's okay. He's Grissom. He doesn't know how to handle feelings. You could have come to me," I replied._

"_I thought I loved him," Sara replied. Her response shocked me even though I was well aware of the torch that she carried for our boss._

"_When I was in graduate school, he did a guest lecture on forensic chemistry of decomposition mediated by maggots. I sat in the front row. After the lecture, he asked me to join him for coffee. I was the only person that made it through the three hour long didactic," Sara said. Her eyes began to glass over as she told me the tale that seemingly had haunted her for years._

"_We talked for hours. He was one of the only people that ever challenged me to think . . . he's the only man that has talked to me without expecting to make his way into my bed. I liked how special that made me feel. No one ever took time to make me feel special," Sara replied, "I let myself fall in love with a man that's incapable of letting himself be free enough to love me back. It sucks, Nick . . . it sucks."_

_My heart broke for her. My mother's only goal in life was to make me feel special. Despite being the youngest of seven children, I always felt like she took enough time to let me know just how special I was. My mother still made my favorite meal when I went home to Texas. I couldn't imagine growing up feeling like no one cared._

"_I'm sorry," I said awkwardly._

"_I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't complain to you. Could you call me a cab?" Sara asked embarrassed that she hadn't dwelled on my well-being. I could have kissed her for that; it was the first time in weeks that someone engaged me in a conversation that wasn't about coffins, psychos, or ants._

"_No, I won't call you a cab. You give so much, Sara. I know because I do the same thing. Every time I try to be selfish, something shitty happens. It makes me feel like all I can do is give . . . it pisses me off," I replied._

"_The difference is that you care about the victims and about your coworkers," Sara replied._

"_I don't care as much as you do. Sara, don't be like him. Don't pretend to be Grissom when I know that you aren't," I yelled at her. She looked shocked for a moment before she began to cry. I knew this was probably the first time that she had cried in years. She shook as she fell into my arms._

"_I saw Brenda, and I knew she would turn into me. I should have never let her go," Sara cried as I wrapped my arms around her in an attempt to give her some kind of comfort._

"_You did the best work that you could. You tried to make sure that Brenda would never be hurt again," I whispered as I tried to calm her. _

"_No matter what I do, I manage to screw it up. Suzi died because I didn't protect her . . . I knew the home invaders would come back for her," Sara replied through her sobs. I couldn't even imagine what other baggage she had been carrying around for years._

"_Honey, it's okay. Those are two people. You've helped hundreds of other people," I replied as I ran a hand through her hair._

"_It doesn't feel like it. I see their faces in my nightmares. I haven't slept for more than two hours consecutively for four years," Sara replied, "I can't forget them."_

"_What can I do to help you?" I asked._

"_I'm beyond repair, Nick," Sara replied in a voice that was so cold it was piercing. In that moment, Sara seemed so much more like a fragile china doll than the tough CSI she masqueraded as._

"_If I can be fixed, anyone can," I replied. I didn't know what to do besides hold her. _

The rest of the night was even more of a blur. Somehow, it all culminated in Sara ending up in my bed. I woke up feeling disgusted that I somehow managed to take advantage of her. I just wanted to make her feel special . . . feel cared about.

My bed was empty in the morning. I don't even remember when she managed to crawl out of the protective embrace that I held her in all night. It was the first night I had slept through in weeks. It was probably the first night that she slept through, too.

I ran my hands through my hair and walked out into the kitchen for coffee. It hit me like a brick wall that I probably drove Sara away from me; one night of me trying to comfort her, probably caused me to lose one of my most loyal friends.

I looked at the note on the refrigerator.

_I'm sorry. –S_

I knew that I had succeeded in doing what I feared.


	3. Chapter 3

I wasn't completely surprised to hear that Sara called in sick to work. I guess I might have even been expecting it . . . anticipating that she wouldn't know what to say. I wasn't even sure what to say to her besides an apology that I had been practicing the entire day.

The day had been awkward enough without having to see Sara. My first day back at work was filled with Catherine calling me non-stop to make sure that I was okay. Warrick fluttered around me like a mother-hen. Greg and Grissom even seemed to hover over the layout room a little more than normal. Hodges smiled at me. It was at that moment that I was slightly thankful that Sara chose to give 'this' a little time to air out before we had the awkward conversation.

I tried to call Sara when I got home from work. I knew that she could never sleep right after her shift ended. She had taken to running or doing chores instead. Her routine wasn't that different from mine. I could never leave work at work. I pretended to, but Sara knew I couldn't. She had been right last night when she said that I care too much.

Sara never answered her phone, so I went to bed. My afternoon was filled with nightmares. They were the ones that made me wake up in a cold sweat; they were the ones where I was seconds away from killing myself. I always woke up with the familiar feeling of ants crawling across my skin. I wanted to call her; I wanted her to be in my bed, so the nightmares would go away. Instead, I woke up early. I went to work three hours early, much to the dismay of Catherine.

"So she's taking a leave of absence?" I asked Greg. I nearly choked on my coffee when Greg told me the bad news.

"She told me that she needed a little space. Sara's been really depressed lately. It might be good for her to take a break from work . . . from Brenda," Greg said. He looked equally depressed. Greg needed Sara more than he would ever admit. She was the one that helped him out at crime scenes. Sara was the one that gave him pre-trial pep talks. Sara had slowly become his mentor; she might have even replace Grissom in Greg's eyes.

"When did she talk to you?" I asked.

"Sar stopped in for a few minutes before shift. I ran into her in the locker room . . . cleaning out her stuff," Greg said as he dumped the rest of his coffee down the drain. Not even Hawaiian Blue could bring her back. I felt responsible for her mysterious exit.

"She asked me to tell you that she'll miss you," Greg said. That sounded a little more formal than just a leave of absence.

"You know how long she's going to be gone for?" I asked.

"Grissom told me she asked for a month," Greg replied. I was glad that she was going to be coming back; a month might be enough time for her and myself to forget about the boundaries that we crossed.

A month turned into three . . . three months turned into a year. I tried my damnedest to get in touch with her. I knew that she was receiving my emails. I had even managed to get her new telephone number from Greg. My phone calls went from once daily to once a week. I refused to let her forget about me. I refused to let our friendship end before I could properly apologize to her.

Greg would come into the locker room once or twice a week with stories about how well Sara is doing. I truly hoped that Sara wasn't feeding Greg what he wanted to hear. Greg said she had been taking classes at UNLV. Greg described it as 'time for her to begin to heal old wounds.' I really hoped that she was doing that, but I always feared that she was somewhere in Vegas living in an alcoholic oblivion. I wished I knew how to heal her.

"Jesus, Sara. You scared the hell out of me," Greg said. He was down the hall in trace following up on evidence from a breaking and entering he had run all by himself. I could hear Sara laughing. I knew it was her. It was a familiar laugh; a comfort after what was beginning to turn into nothing less than a tedious shift. I could hear them laughing and talking. I tried to resist the urge to run down the hall to greet her, but my body seemed to be in transit before my mind could make it stop.

I watched Greg hug her. He looked like he wasn't about to let go. There was something about the look in his eyes; it was something that wasn't there for the past year.

"Sara," I said cautiously. She smiled. For a moment, I tried to fool myself into believing that she had forgotten.

"Dr. Sidle to you," Greg teased.

"I finally finished up that Ph.D. that I had been working on for years," Sara said as a flush began to creep into her cheeks.

"It's good to have you back," I said. I fought the urge to reach out and hold her. I wanted to apologize face to face. I wanted to know that I had her forgiveness.

"I still don't know if Ecklie's going to re-hire me. I had an interview with his this afternoon," Sara explained.

"He'd be stupid to let you go," I said.

"Thanks. I better run," Sara said quickly after glancing at her watch.

"Why don't you stick around?" Greg asked.

"I have to go pick up Reece from the sitter," Sara said. She began to blush even more. I don't think she meant to say anything.

"Reece?" Greg asked before I could even open my mouth.

"My daughter," Sara clarified.

"Did you decide to adopt?" I asked cautiously. I suddenly had a sick sensation creep through my body.

"No. I've got to get going," Sara said, "I'll see you around."

Sara breezed past us. I waited a few seconds before I chased her down in the parking lot. She looked like she might have even slowed down to let me catch her.

"Sara," I said as I caught hold of her arm.

"I thought you would hunt me down quicker," Sara replied with a smile. The smile was so relaxed that I barely recognized it. "Aren't you going to ask?"

"Do I need to?" I asked my heart pounding so loud that it was almost deafening.

"Nick, I didn't mean to runaway. Everyday, it got a little easier to come up with reasons not to talk about what happened," Sara said as she expertly danced around the words, "Then it struck me that I was late. Then I thought about how you were still working to get your life back together . . . I didn't want to be selfish again."

"Sara, you could have told me," I replied. I didn't know whether to be thankful or angry.

"I took a year to finish my Ph.D. and get used to the fact that I was going to have a baby. I needed that year, Nick. I need a lot of time to work through all those demons that I was letting haunt me. You were right about me being able to be healed," Sara said as she leaned up to her small, green Saturn. I immediately saw the baby seat in the back.

"What do you need from me?" I asked.

"Do you want to be a father?" Sara asked answering my question with one of her own.

"What does she look like?" I asked. Sara smirked.

"What are you going to toss her to lions if she isn't presentable?" Sara replied laughing. She seemed truly happy. She had a peaceful air about her that was painfully unfamiliar.

"No, I'm not a monster," I replied.

"Why don't you stop over in the morning after your shift? You should meet her," Sara said. She rested a hand on my arm. "You don't need to decide right away. Nick, I don't even know how to thank you for Reece."

"I thought we were safe that night," I said.

"Apparently, latex can't hold your boys back," Sara replied. Now, it was my turn to blush.

"Where do you live?" I asked self-consciously.

"Here," Sara said as she pulled a pen out of her purse. She wrote her address on my forearm. Her touch was something akin to electricity. I couldn't remember her ever feeling like that before.

"I'll see you later," Sara said as I closed her car door for her. As she drove off, I was making a mental node to look at the belt on her car. It didn't sound safe enough to transport my daughter.

"_Grissom, I need to leave," I said as I walked into the older man's office._

"_Are you okay?" Grissom asked with a raised eyebrow. At that moment, I knew I should have probably went to Catherine first. _

"_I'm not feeling well. Maybe something I ate," I lied._

"_Oh, go home and get some sleep. You look awful," Grissom said as he turned his attention back to whatever it was that he was dissecting. I hadn't realized that I was looking awful today._

"What did work get done early?" Sara asked as she opened the door, "I kind of figured you'd weasel your way out of work. I just put Reece down for the night."

"What's her full name?" I asked as I followed her to a couch that was cluttered with baby toys and blankets.

"Reece Nicole Sidle. She was born on July 3rd," Sara replied with a smile, "I thought Nicole might be a little more appropriate that Pancho . . . or Panchita."

"Are you mad at me?" Sara asked self-consciously. I must have been speechless longer than I had originally anticipated. Nicole . . . I was surprised that Sara took such a sentimental approach to naming our daughter.

"No, just a little stunned. Was everything okay this last year?" I asked. I knew that I was smiling; I knew that I wanted to be something more to my daughter than her mother's friend.

"If by everything you mean the delivery, everything went fine. The first trimester was a little rough. A lot of morning sickness," Sara clarified, "Speak of the devil."

The piercing shriek was enough to make me jump. Sara was immediately on her feet and headed towards the nursery. I wasn't that far behind her. Sara handed me the screaming baby; I always hated it when my sisters would pass off their screaming babies to me, but this time it didn't seem that bad.

Reece was beautiful. She had a head full of chestnut ringlets. Reece was a perfect miniature of Sara. I was in awe of the tiny fingers and tiny toes.

"She's perfect, Sara," I said as Reece screamed in my ear.

"She's also hungry. Take her to the living room. I'll got get a bottle ready," Sara said with a smile. I decided not be angry with her. I decided to take Sara's approach; I was going to be a father, and I was going to be damn thankful for that. I decided that I might want something more from Sara; I wanted to feel the electricity when she touched me. I selfishly wanted more.

A/N: Let the fluff-fest begin :) Don't worry . . . I'll cover some of the last year in flashbacks.


	4. Chapter 4

"_You'll be on nights, and I'll be on days. It will be nice not to have to pay the sitter," Sara said as she finished writing done the eighty or ninety phone numbers that she thought I might need . . . just in case something went wrong while Reece and I were alone._

"_So can you go through the activities schedule again?" I asked as I looked at the dizzying amount of notes that Sara had written for me. Reece's routine was complicated to say the very least._

"_It's all on paper. Just make sure that you sleep when Reece is asleep. Otherwise, you won't make it through the night," Sara said with a smile, "You can leave some of your things in the bathroom. I'll clear out a drawer in my bedroom."_

_This was the most unconventional way for me to earn 'drawer status' at a woman's home, but I was happy that Sara extended the offer. She could have made this whole parenting thing much more complicated. With the 'old' Sara this probably would have been an uphill struggle._

"_Thanks. I was going to call my parents today," I replied. I wanted Sara to know; more so, I wanted Sara to be prepared for my mother and my army of sisters._

"_They'll be happy for you," Sara said with a sunny smile. She looked like she might even be looking forward to meeting my family in circumstances other me being trapped beneath the ground. _

"_I'm pretty certain that my mom is going to hit the roof," I replied._

"_They love you. They will be happy as long as you are happy," Sara replied. I couldn't believe how wise she was. I couldn't believe how a year was able to turn her into a completely different person._

"_They'll be on a plane tonight," I warned._

"_Well, we both have tomorrow off. We should go pick out a baby seat for your SUV, so you can take Reece in your car," Sara said as she began to sketch out a shopping list, "I need to go shopping. Do you think you can handle Reece for an hour?"_

"_Is that a challenge, Sidle?" I replied._

"_She should sleep for at least another hour. You should take a nap, too. How was work last night?" Sara asked. I couldn't imagine conversation that could possibly be more mundane and normal, but I found myself craving her attention. For two days, I spent every waking moment with Sara and Reece. Sara nearly had to force me out of the house, so I would be on time for work._

"_Good. Nice and slow. Uh, Sar. You have baby puke on the back of your shirt," I said with a laugh._

"_I normally end up changing two . . . three times a day. I have a mountain of laundry that needs to get done," Sara said slightly exasperated._

"_You know . . . you don't need to go back to work so soon. I make enough to support all three of us," I replied. Money would be tight, but it didn't matter. I would sell everything I owned to provide for Reece and Sara._

"_Nick, I love Reece . . . don't get me wrong, but I've been at home with her for three months. If I don't get out of the house soon, I'm going to go nuts. I appreciated the offer, but I can't ask you to do that," Sara said as she stood up from her chair and momentarily rested a hand on my shoulder. As she began to walk away, she let her finger tips graze my neck. _

"_Sar, you could ask me to move mountains and I would," I whispered under my breath._

"Please, I'm begging you to go to sleep," I begged the screaming infant. Reece had begun screaming the second Sara left for work. It had been three hours, but Reece showed no signs of stopping. I had tried a bottle, a bath, her favorite stuffed, yellow ducky, a ride in her stroller, and rocking in the rocking chair. Nothing seemed to make her happy.

"You are Sara's daughter, aren't you? Your mommy can be really difficult . . . at least, she used to be. She's a good woman," I said as I tried to give her the bottle she pushed away before.

After four hours of general fussiness alternating with bouts of screaming, I gave in and called my mother. She normally called me daily to 'check in,' but she had been avoiding me for the past two days. Sara chose to call it 'being stunned,' but I knew my mother. She was still struggling to sort out disappointment and happiness.

"Hon, you should take her on a car ride. You used to like that when you were a baby," Mom said.

"Reece hates everything," I said as I tried to get her to take the bottle.

"Oh, honey. Every baby is different. Krissy liked sitting on top of the clothes dryer. Megan liked to sit in her bouncy swing. Peter liked bluegrass music. That music nearly drove me insane," Mom said with a chuckle, "I want to come see Reece. I want to see Sara."

"Mom, I'm not going to ask her to marry me," I said firmly.

"I know. Just make sure Reece knows that she's loved. I'm going to talk to Dad about coming to visit this weekend," Mom said.

"Cisco is going to love this little spit fire," I said loudly over Reece's screaming.

"I know, honey. Oh, check her temperature. Anna had really bad ear infections when she was a baby. She would sit and scream for hours. Anna had tubes put in her ears. You should tell Reece's pediatrician that," Mom instructed.

"Thanks, Mom. I love you . . . I didn't mean to disappoint you," I said.

"Pancho, you couldn't disappoint me. You just surprised me. I want you to be happy. Now, you go take care of my granddaughter. I love you, honey," Mom said. Her voice was tearful sounding.

"I love you, too," I said before I hung up my cell phone, "Okay, Reece. Where does Sara keep your thermometer?"

I rifled through all the drawers in the nursery before calling Sara, who all but had a heart attack when I called. After finally locating the thermometer and taking Reece's temperature, I nearly fainted when it read 101.2 degree Fahrenheit. That seemed way too high for an infant. Thirty minutes later Reece and I were sitting in the waiting room of the pediatrician's office.

"You just have a little ear infection, don't you?" Dr. Ryan said as she tickled Reece's feet. Reece began to giggle; I made a mental note to remember that next time she started screaming bloody murder.

"My sister had ear infections as a baby. I guess she had tubes placed," I said suddenly thankful that I had decided to call my mother this morning.

"Let's try her on ampicillin for a few days. That should clear the ear infection right up," Dr. Ryan said with a smile. It made me feel more at ease. "I'll give you a prescription you can fill at the pharmacy."

"Thank you," I said as the doctor handed me a prescription. I gathered up Reece, the baby carrier, and the diaper bag. I felt like a one-man moving crew. I understood why diaper bags were often the size of duffle bags; I needed to carry a million things with me 'just in case.'

Sara had insisted that I swing by the lab so she could see with her own eyes that Reece was okay. After a dose of the ampicillin and some baby Tylenol, Reece drifted off into some well-earned sleep. I struggled with the doors, the baby carrier, and diaper bag on the way into the lab. I received some really strange looks from Judy.

"Don't you dare wake her up, Sidle," I said as Sara ran up to me and immediately took Reece out of the carrier.

"Ecklie's not going to let me leave early," Sara said, "How is she?"

"Going to be fine. Is Grissom in? I might see if he'll let me have the night off," I said as I ran my fingers through Reece's curls.

"That means going public with Reece and our situation," Sara warned.

"Judy is going to tell everyone anyways," I replied with a smile, "She really scared me this morning. I'm going to go talk to Grissom. Are you going to hold on to Reece?"

"I have to go answer a page. Don't let her touch anything in Grissom's office," Sara warned as she handed Reece off to me.

The short walk to Grissom's office seemed to take longer than normal. I stood outside his door trying to think of exactly how explain how Reece happened. I tried to think of a way to do it without hurting Grissom anymore than Sara's absence already had. He was a fool to let her go in the first place.

"Gris, I need the night off," I said as I stood in the doorway. He looked up from his paperwork. He looked slightly confused as he waved me into his office.

"Who's that?" Grissom asked with a raise eyebrow.

"Reece. She's my daughter. She has a bad ear infection; I don't think I can leave her," I rambled as I tried to come up with something sensible to say.

"Is your wife . . . girlfriend busy?" Grissom asked as he continued his interrogation.

"Sara's still working. She's going to be tired tonight. I still haven't gotten any sleep. Someone needs to be awake enough to make sure Reece is okay," I replied as I quickly moved to keep a now wakeful Reece from touching a jar that housed Grissom's favorite fetal pig.

"It's okay. She can touch the jar," Grissom said as he began to analyze Reece for any trace of Sara and myself.

"_Oh, no, she can't. God knows what's growing on this experiment," I thought._

"Gris, I wouldn't ask unless I thought it was important," I replied.

"Was Reece planned for?" Grissom asked. His question took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting him to ask something so personal.

"No, but Sara and I have everything under control," I replied slightly angered by his passive-aggressiveness.

"Well, she's cute," Grissom replied, "Take tonight off, but it's coming out of your vacation time."

"Thank you. Would you like to hold her?" I asked politely.

"No, that's okay. Make sure to stick to the antibiotic schedule. They work better if they are taken at precise intervals," Grissom replied as he went back to his paperwork. He had a really odd way of expressing his feelings.

"Man, who's the little chick magnet," Warrick said as he passed me in the hall slowing slightly to check out Reece.

"Reece. She's . . .," I began.

"That's Sara's little girl. Looks just like her mother," Warrick commented.

"She's my daughter," I finished. Warrick looked stunned.

"Wow, I didn't know. You guys didn't really advertise . . . wow," Warrick said as he stumbled over the words.

"I know. You working a double?" I asked.

"Lisa's at home sick. It's good to be at work. Just watch out when they get sick . . . it turned her into a whole new kind of bitchy that I never knew existed," Warrick kidded as if Sara and I were something other than parents to Reece, "Shit, I didn't mean to swear in front of . . ."

"If her first word is a curse word, I'll come kick your butt," I teased.

"She didn't touch anything, did she?" Sara asked as she all but pushed Warrick away. Sara began frantically wiping Reece's hands with a wet-wipe.

"Do you really think I would let her touch anything in that office? Gris is probably growing bacteria that haven't been identified yet," I replied as I kissed the top of Reece's head.

"Are you going to bring Reece to the lab so you aren't late tonight?" Sara asked. Warrick chuckled. Sara shot him a dirty look that immediately silenced any and all laughter.

"Gris gave me the night off . . . and warned me to give the antibiotics at precise intervals," I replied, "I'll make supper and make sure that she gets some sleep."

"Thanks, Nick. Have you gotten any sleep?" Sara asked, which caused Warrick to raise an eyebrow.

"No, I almost dozed off in the pediatrician's office," I replied.

"I'll try to hurry home so you get some sleep," Sara said as she kissed Reece on the cheek and inadvertently did the same to me. It made her blush. The subconscious does funny things when the conscious is preoccupied.

"I'll see you later," Warrick said as he took off down the hallway.

"Drive safe," Sara said as she hunched over slightly to wave at Reece as I began to walk out to the car.

I was thankful to be back at Sara's. Going 'public' with Reece was less painful than I originally anticipated. However, Catherine and Greg hadn't been clued in yet. Telling Catherine would no doubt be painful . . . considering how 'well' she got along with Sara.

"Hey, Reece. You get some sleep. I'll be right here when you wake up," I said as I laid her down in her crib. I sat in the rocking chair until was satisfied that she was indeed asleep. I walked down the hall to the living room, but I wasn't sure if I would wake up if Reece started crying. I gathered up a few pillows and took to the floor beside her crib. I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up gasping for air; I had the nightmare about the ants again. It was the one that instigated most of my sleepless nights. I looked around the room slightly disoriented. I was still wondering what was the dream, what was real, and what was in the past.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked as she sat on the side of the bed that I didn't know how I got into.

"Where am I?" I asked still trying to process my thoughts.

"I woke you about a few hours ago and helped you in to my bed. Nick, are you having the nightmares again?" Sara asked. I knew what she meant by _the nightmares_. They were the nightmares that scared her too.

"I'm okay now. It's okay," I said more for my own benefit than hers.

"Let's go get something to eat," Sara said as she squeezed my hand. She looked scared. She looked like she was searching for a way to comfort me that didn't end in what we had done last time.

"Did Reece take her antibiotics this evening?" I asked as I got out of the bed.

"I gave them to her when the timer on your phone went off," Sara said with a smile.

"Is she sleeping?" I asked as a yawn escaped from my body.

"Like a baby," Sara replied as I followed her down the hallway. I paused in the doorway of the nursery. I desperately wanted to walk in and look at my daughter. I wanted to make sure that this was reality; that the reality wasn't the content of the nightmares that I couldn't rid myself of.

"She's still there. It was all a nightmare," Sara said startling me slightly, "Do you still have the nightmares often?"

I wanted to tell her that I had the nightmares more often since she left, but that wouldn't accomplish anything. Sara had been my sounding board. I could tell her about the nightmares because she understood what it was like to be tormented by your own mind. I missed having someone to talk to. I missed the subtle comforts of our friendship.

"Every once in a while," I replied as I followed her into the kitchen. Sara began pulling Tupperware containers out of the refrigerator. I was surprised to see that it was already seven in the evening.

"Are you okay?" Sara asked as she began heating something up.

"They're worse when I'm stressed out. I keep thinking about Reece and her earache. I keep thinking about my parents coming to visit this weekend. Then I think about you," I said. I was lucky I caught myself before I said something more . . . before I said what I wanted to say.

"I'm sorry. If this is all too much, you can walk away at any point. I don't want you to think for a second that I'm using Reece as a bargaining chip. I want you to be well, Nick. That's all I ever wanted," Sara said as she sat across the table from me.

"No, I don't want that. These last few days, all I can think about is being a good father. My father was perfect. He still is. I want to be that kind of father, but I am so messed up. Reece is so small. I don't want to let her down the way I've let you down," I replied. My mind willed her to stop asking questions.

"Nick, you never let me down, and you surely aren't nearly as messed up as I was. You are so great with Reece. You are going to be a great father," Sara replied.

"Sara, I'm so sorry I took advantage of you," I replied as I lowered my gaze toward the table.

"Funny, I spent the last year thinking that I was the one that did that," Sara said as she stood up and walked over to the microwave, "Quesadillas okay?"

"Sounds good. I missed you maybe even as much as Greg did," I replied. It made Sara laugh.

"I missed you too. Every time I heard your voice on my voicemail, I wanted to call you," Sara said.

"Let's not dwell on this. I should prepare you for my parents," I said before I could start making plans that probably would never come into reality.

"The letters are coming again," Sara said out of no where, "Ecklie is having some of the day shift workers print and do trace on them. It might be Brenda. The tone is similar to the ones that she sent me. These are more violent."

"Is Brass or someone going to bring her in for questioning?" I asked.

"Brenda has been lost to the system. They have no idea where she is. She ran away from her last foster home three months ago," Sara replied as she placed supper in front of me. Truthfully, I wasn't all that hungry after Sara's revelation.

"Okay. I'll call about having a security system installed here. My dad and I can start cleaning out the garage so you have enough room to park the car in there over night," I said as I started planning my morning.

"My landlord is never going to let me install a security system," Sara said shaking her head. I didn't surprise me that Sara had never bought a house. Sara didn't put down roots. The sense of things being permanent always seemed to scare her.

"Then we are going to have to find somewhere that will let you," I replied.

"I don't have enough money to just go out of and find a new home," Sara said softly.

"I didn't say you . . . I said we, Sara. Let me do this for you and Reece. I could sell the townhouse and look for something big enough for all of us," I replied. My nightmares seemed to pale in comparison to whatever it was that Brenda was threatening to do. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why Sara thought that was less important than nightmares that didn't constitute my reality. I couldn't figure out why she thought that she needed to fight every damn battle on her own.

"Nick, I don't want to put a damper on your social life," Sara replied. Her statement hurt me more than I ever thought it would. I never thought Sara would be the one to buy into all the rumors about my 'wild' sex life. My sex life seemed to consist of a handful of bad decisions rather than the frat-boy-to-hell-with-the-social-norms-and-commitments that everyone seemed to buy in to.

"God, Sara. Listen to me. I don't know where the hell everyone gets these ideas that I'm out every night with someone new. It's not like that . . . it's never been like that. That shit isn't even important anymore. I'm going to take care of you and Reece whether or not you want me to, so you better learn how to live with it," I said a little more forcefully than I had anticipated. Maybe it was years of people assuming that I was some sort of man-slut that fueled my anger.

Sara looked like a deer in the headlights before she began to giggle uncontrollably.

"Whatever you say, captain," Sara replied in a fit of giggles. I could only shake my head and laugh with her.

"I'm lucky to have you," Sara said, "Now tell me more about your family."

Maybe she was also thinking that there was the possibility of this mess turning into something more than organized chaos.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to DarkDreamer56 . . . I hope you don't mind that I borrowed Tina's cat from your story Pseudo Dating :)

* * *

I wasn't sure what was more stressful having to go into the lab to pick up my check or pick up Sara from UNLV and drive to the airport to meet my parents. Reece didn't seem fazed by the fact that Catherine and Greg were working and it was very likely that they would see us. Nor did Reece seem to appreciate that her grandparents didn't believe in children out of wed-lock. Sometimes, I wished that I could go back to being a child. Things were so much simpler then.

I hadn't successfully avoided Greg and Catherine at work the last few days, but I noticed a change in how they both treated me. Greg was distant. Catherine was pissed. A pissed off Catherine isn't something that I have ever tried to mess with. She gave me the whole lecture about being responsible. Her definition of responsible was finding someone that deserved me. Catherine was silly to think that Sara was somehow below me. I couldn't think of a person that I could possibly want to be with more than Sara.

"Is that the little princess?" Hodges asked as I walked into the break room holding Reece.

"Yep," I replied.

"Can I hold her? I'm really good with children," Hodges asked.

"Nope," I replied as I began to use one hand to rifle through my mailbox and the other to secure Reece to my chest.

"Why not?" Hodges asked.

"Because she's_ my_ little princess, buddy," I replied.

"At least she's cute," Catherine said as she began to inspect Reece.

"Not now, Cath," I replied as I continued to dig for my check so I could get the hell out of the lab.

"Nicky, she looks a lot like Sara," Catherine said. I rolled my eyes. I knew what she was getting at.

"Yep, but everyone thinks she has my eyes," I replied with a smile. Catherine shook her head.

"Go easy on him," Hodges retorted. _Thank God for Hodges_. It wasn't something that I ever thought I would be thinking. He was an unlikely ally.

"Hodges, you can hold Reece," I said as I handed over Reece who seemed to be okay with Hodges. She eyed him curiously before deciding that he wasn't all that bad.

"Nick, I'm just trying to say . . ." Catherine began.

"Nope. Not today. I'm happy. Your opinion doesn't really matter anymore," I replied harshly.

"It used to," Catherine replied as she walked out of the room. It was quiet despite Hodges introducing himself as 'Uncle David.'

"She's adorable," Hodges said in between bouts of baby talk that even sickened me despite the fact that I probably didn't sound that much different.

"Nick, is that Reece?" Greg asked as he flew into the lounge.

"Yep," I said as I finally found my check and stuffed it into my pocket.

"Nope, you have to wait your turn," Hodges said as Greg motioned for him to hand over Reece. Never did I think Greg and Hodges would be the ones to accept Reece without a second thought. I guess part of me hoped that Catherine and Grissom would approve. They were like a second set of parents.

"I think Reece would like to meet her Uncle Greg," Greg said pointedly. Oddly enough, Reece began to laugh. I turned around to see her holding on to Hodges for dear life.

"Look, she's happy here with me. Aren't you, sweetie?" Hodges said before launching into gibberish.

"Okay, the little lady is going with me," I said as I took Reece from Hodges. She immediately nestled her head into my shoulder. I began to believe that's exactly what that divot between the pectoralis muscles and the clavicle was made for.

"What's the big hurry?" Greg asked as he waved at Reece, who broke out in shrill laughter at the tiny act.

"I need to pick up Sara from UNLV, and we've got to pick my parents up from the airport. Kind of a busy day considering Reece didn't let Sara sleep at all last night," I said as I tried to stifle my own yawn.

"Her earache?" Hodges asked in a tone that indicated much more concern than I had ever anticipated.

"I think so. She's still adjusting to the new routine," I said as Greg began to play peek-a-boo with Reece. I found out two days ago that that particular game could entertain her to no end. "I'll bring Reece by some afternoon when I'm off. We should really get going."

"Bye-bye, Reece," Hodges said as Reece and I tried to escape from the lab.

"Hey, man," Warrick said, "Tina wants to meet Reece and Sara. You better keep this adorable little gal away from Tina. It's bad enough the cat sleeps on my pillow every night."

"I don't think you would be that horrendous of a parent," I teased.

"I locked the cat in the closet yesterday, so I could eat lunch without _it_ trying to eat my lunch for me," Warrick grumbled.

"Maybe you should hold off on kids for a while," I said with a laugh.

"Damn, she has Sara's smile. You're going to have to lock her up when she's a teenager," Warrick said as he slouched downward slightly to make eye contact with Reece, "I did it again. See . . . my kid would curse like a sailor."

"I'm still going to kick your butt if my daughter's first word is a curse word," I teased.

"Isn't it cute that your daddy thinks he could take on Uncle Warrick?" Warrick asked Reece. I was a little dismayed that she answered his question with laughter.

"See you later, man," I said as I attempted to make another run for the door. I made it ten steps before I nearly walked straight into Grissom.

"How's her earache?" Grissom asked as he momentarily looked up from the file he was trying to read while walking down the hallway.

"Getting better. She's still fussy," I said.

"I have a present for her," Grissom said as he waved for me to follow him into his office. I wasn't sure what to expect from him; I cringed at the thought that I could very well be bringing a preserved fetal pig home with me today.

"It's a Lepidoptera. Butterflies always make me think of Sara," Grissom said as he handed me the mobile with delicate, brightly colored butterflies tethered only by thin fishing line.

My emotions went from grateful to pissed off in a matter of seconds.

_It's sweet that he still harbors all those feelings, but he can't have what's . . . I thought. _I needed to stop because Grissom could very well have Sara because she wasn't mine.

"Reece is really going to love this. Thank you so much, Grissom," I said with a smile that I had to force onto my face. I nearly had to bite my tongue in order to stifled the anger and jealousy I felt.

"I hope Sara likes it to," Grissom said.

It was at that moment that I knew I wanted something more than co-parenting. I just had to figure out how to make that happen.


	7. Chapter 7

"Nicholas, are you just going to stand there or are you going to come over here and give me my brand-new grandbaby," my mother ordered the moment that Sara, Reece, and I began to approach them in the concourse. Had it not been for an extensive amount of luggage, my mother probably would have already laid claim to Reece.

"That's better. How are you, darling?" my mother asked as she snagged Reece from my arms. It was funny how an infant could make the rest of the world disappear. My father rolled his eyes at my mother, who seemingly forgot to say hello to anyone else.

"Poncho, she's cute. Sara, you aren't going to have to lift a finger this weekend. Jillian already laid claim to Reece," my father said as I tried to help him corral the four, maybe five, bags my mother couldn't live without. I was positive that the small satchel on my father's shoulder contained everything he planned to use this weekend.

"Sir, it's good to see you again," Sara said as she tried to help with the bags as my mother was engrossed in Reece. Reece seemed to feed on the attention. She cooed and giggled much to my mother's delight. You couldn't get that mad about an illegitimate baby if she was as cute as Reece.

"Sara, don't worry about the luggage. Cisco and I have it under control," I said as I batted Sara away.

"Looks just like her mother," Cisco said as he shook Sara's hand.

"Has the temperament of your son," Sara said with a smile.

"Now, we're all in trouble," my mother replied teasingly.

"So I here we are looking at houses this weekend," my father commented as we began to drag all the luggage out the Denali.

"Sara and I are moving in together so Reece has two parents around full-time," I clarified, which brought an immediate smile to my mother's face. I neglected to mention that the threatening letters were the catalyst of all this change. They had begun to arrive at Sara's home. I had intercepted a few before Sara got to them. I wasn't about to let her read what they said. Sara laughed at my paranoia. I would call her two, three times a night to make sure she was safe. I had taken up residence on her couch. I slept with my loaded service revolver close by. I jumped whenever my telephone rang during the day or night.

"Wonderful, honey. Sara, I insist that we go shopping for Reece this afternoon. Bill and I want to by Reece whatever she might need or you might want. I'm having Nick's old crib sent up from Texas. All the Stokes children have slept in that crib. It would mean so much to me . . . to Bill . . . if Reece would use the crib too," my mother rambled as she held Reece securely to her body.

"Mother, don't be overwhelming," I instructed before she could begin talking again.

"Nick, it's okay. I think that would be very nice. I'd also like to make sure that she has pictures of her family in her room. Reece deserves to know how many people love her," Sara replied. Sometimes, her insecurities took me by surprise. Other times, they nearly broke my heart. Sara didn't realize how much I wanted to give her the family that I knew she deserved.

"Oh, honey. We'll have a good day. The boys can take care of Reece for the afternoon. I've already made appointments for us at the salon. I used to never have any time to get my haircut," my mother said with a smile. I was surprised that Sara didn't have a 'deer in the headlights' expression pasted on her face.

"Jillian, I wasn't the one that asked you to have eight kids," my father replied . . . jokingly.

"You sure didn't do anything to prevent it," my mother quickly quipped.

"Okay, that was way too much information. Mom, go easy on Sara. Reece didn't let her get much sleep last night," I warned again, but I was fairly certain that my warnings fell on deaf ears.

"Oh, honey. I'll make sure that Sara has a relaxing day," my mother replied.

"Mrs. Stokes, you really didn't have to go to all this trouble," Sara said blushing slightly as my mother handed Reece off to Sara, so Reece could be put in her car seat.

"Sara, call me Jillian. You deserve a break. It's hard having an infant in the house. It's hard trying to work and raise a baby . . . and my son," my mother teased as my parents climbed into the backseat of the Denali. One was on each side of Reece, so all attention seemed to turn on her.

"Nick doesn't need much raising. He's been very good to me and Reece. He takes care of us better than I ever imagined," Sara said as I closed her car door and walked around to the driver's side.

"Well, Poncho, I called a few real estate agents in the area. We should go look at the listings this afternoon. Maybe screen out some of the houses that you don't like," my father said as I began to drive toward my townhouse, where my parents would be staying. I couldn't bring myself to leave Sara and Reece alone when I had the night off. I was pretty sure my parents wouldn't argue with my decision.

"Sounds good. How about if I drop you off at the townhouse so yah'll can rest for awhile? Sara and I can go back to her place and get Reece packed up for the afternoon," I suggested.

"Sara and I need to be leaving for the salon in about two hours. Sara, honey, make sure to make a list of anything Reece needs," my mother said in between bouts of baby talk.

* * *

"So, Poncho, I tried to warn your mother to take it easy on Sara, but she's always done things her own way," my father said as he held my sleeping daughter.

"It's okay. Sara told me that she thought the afternoon might be fun. I guess she hasn't been out shopping lately or something," I replied as I flipped the television station to the Astros game.

"The way you look at Sara . . . just make sure you aren't falling in love with her because of Reece. Mom and I like Sara. She seems like a good woman. Make sure you love her because she's a good woman," Cisco said, "Couldn't hit a baseball even if it was on a t-ball stand."

My father had always dropped those pearls of advice in the middle of seemingly innocuous conversations. They weren't meant to generate conversation, but they were meant to make me think. Cisco always knew what I was thinking before I, myself, did.

A/N: Not the most action packed chapter . . . I know. My muse must be up to something else these days :( I'm thinking about doing a chapter from Nick's mother's POV - a long conversation with Sara, but it's proving to be harder to write than I anticipated :( If anyone has any suggestions, I am more than willing to listen.


	8. Chapter 8

Jillian's POV:

"So he's a good father?" I asked as she drove towards the salon. She was visibly uncomfortable, but I felt like I needed to find out exactly what my son had gotten himself into. I needed to make sure that this woman was a woman that would be good to him.

"Took to it like a duck to water. He really loves Reece. She already has him wrapped around her finger," Sara replied as a smile played across her face, "He's not going to know what to do when Reece is a teenager."

"Heaven help us. Nick never could say 'no' to his sisters. When he was five, Anna and Beth decided to put make-up on him. He sat there smiling . . . he's a people-pleaser," I replied, "So, Sara . . ."

"He treats me so good. I didn't mean to keep Reece from him or you. I just didn't think he was ready to have his life turned upside down again," Sara blurted out, "He was still reeling from what happened when he was . . . . He pretends to be so damn tough, but I know he isn't."

"Oh, honey," I replied because I wasn't sure exactly what to say. Just the look on her face told me everything that I wanted to know. Reece might not have been planned for, but she wasn't unwanted. Reece wasn't used to draw Nick into a relationship he shouldn't be in. Sara seemed to genuinely want my son to be well . . . mentally and physically. She seemed to love him as much as I assumed he loved her.

"I'm really sorry, Mrs. Stokes," Sara said softly.

"Honey, it's Jillian. There's nothing to apologize for. I know Nick thinks of his co-workers as family. I just never thought yah'll thought of him as family. Nicky gets so attached to people . . . a lot of times it's a one-way street. You were just trying to protect him," I replied smiling to try to cover the fact that I was nearly moved to tears.

"He does. I worry about how much he cares. I mean, in this line of work it can be dangerous to care too much, but I don't want to see him stop caring. I don't want to take advantage of him," Sara rambled.

"Honey, it's okay. Bill married me when I was three months pregnant with our oldest daughter. It's not the fairytale Nick believes happened. Bill and I have always preached that marriage comes before children. It's terrifying to be alone and pregnant wondering if the baby's father will be there for the birth," I replied.

"I was alone in the delivery room," Sara replied with a vacant look in her eyes.

"Oh, honey," I replied with a gasp. I wanted to wrap my arms around this woman and just hold her for a moment. I wanted to assure her that as long as Reece was a Stokes, Sara would never have to be alone again.

"It was my decision," Sara replied.

"I know. You thought you were doing the right thing," I replied.

"We're here," Sara replied.

"Let's go get your hair done, then let's go shopping. Anything you or Reece need is on me," I said with a smile.

"Thank you for being so kind because you really don't have to be. I mean . . . I'm sorry," Sara replied with tears in her eyes.

"It's the past, honey. I'm not mad and Bill's not mad. Let's go," I replied.

Despite her tough exterior, she was as fragile as fine china. I knew immediately why my son looked at her with all the adoration in the world in his eyes. She was special. Sara was the woman I always wanted Nick to find.

Sara's POV:

"Good Lord. Did you two leave anything on the racks?" Nick asked as he met Jillian and I at the door.

"Sara needed to be spoiled," Jillian replied with a knowing smile. She had been so good to me all day. She made me feel like part of a family. She picked out clothes that she thought would look cute on Reece. She even picked out several pieces of clothing that she thought would look beautiful on me. Jillian wouldn't even let me pay for lunch. She kept telling me that this weekend my money was 'no good' in Vegas.

"You ladies look stunning," Bill said as kissed Jillian's cheek. I hated to imagine that Nick would do the same because I didn't want to feel as disappointed as I did when he didn't kiss my cheek.

"I think I found a house," Nick said triumphantly as I put the shopping bags I was carrying on the kitchen table, "It's a four bedroom in the suburbs . . . not too far away from Warrick and Tina."

"What are we going to do with four bedrooms?" I asked with a smile.

"One for you, one for Reece, one for me, and one for all your books and that huge desk of yours," Nick replied with a smile. It kind of hurt when he talked about separate bedrooms. I wanted to feel his arms around me again. I wanted to wake up with his arms holding me close to his chest, but I worked hard to convince myself that it was a one-time thing. God knows he could do so much better than me.

"It's in a nice neighborhood. Poncho and I walked around and looked at the wiring and plumbing," Bill said. He had the exact same glimmer in his eyes that Nick did whenever he was excited.

"I think Reece even liked it," Nick replied, "We're going to go see it tomorrow morning. Cisco said he would watch Reece."

"Okay, are you sure this is something we can afford?" I asked.

"Sara, don't worry about it," Nick replied.

The evening ended with Nick pulling Reece out of the arms of a very tired Jillian. Bill helped her into a rental car and drove to Nick's townhouse. Nick put Reece down to bed and joined me in the kitchen to begin to sort through everything that Jillian had spoiled us with. I didn't know why, but I began to cry.

"What's wrong?" Nick asked as he pulled me into his arms. I didn't even want to admit how much liked being in his arms.

"I don't know," I cried, "I'm so sorry I kept her from you and your family. I don't deserve you kindness or the kindness of your parents."

"Sar, you know you deserve this. You deserve more than this," Nick replied in the most soothing voice I had ever heard. I could feel him kiss the top of my head. "I want to give you this."

"Nicky, I don't want to be alone anymore," I replied in a moment of weakness.


End file.
